Emotionally Focused Therapy - More Than Just Feelings
When I first heard about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in school, I assumed it was a therapy used to help clients focus on their emotions. Learning EFT has shown me so much more. The first intensive workshop I took on EFT revealed a theory that makes intuitive sense to me and is backed by a ton of research. Now, EFT is the foundation of how I conceptualize client concerns and help clients achieve their goals in therapy. Most of my clients are high-achievers who want to work on an important relationship in their life. (I know I’m biased, but I have the best clients!) Emotionally Focused Therapy doesn’t pathologize people for struggling to connect with important people in our lives. Most of my clients aren’t seeking therapy to work on a clinical diagnosis, so this approach fits perfectly for the majority of the people I work with. EFT knows it is natural and normal to be distressed when we feel disconnected from the people we love. And all of us struggle to connect sometimes. In fact, training in EFT often encourages therapists to reflect on how learning about EFT can improve our own relationships. Rather than diagnose clients who want to work on relationships, EFT assumes everyone struggles to feel connected sometimes and all of us have room to grow. In this article, I’ll share a little about what I’ve learned about EFT and why I think it’s awesome.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy used by therapists to help clients with individual and relationship challenges. Extensive research has shown EFT is effective at developing healthier relationships in couples and families. (EFT also effectively treats depression, anxiety, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since I work mostly with relationships, this article focuses on how EFT helps relationships rather than specific diagnoses.) This evidence-based therapy is based on Attachment Theory, which describes how humans form bonds with one another and how we are innately wired for emotional and physical connection. When it was first developed, Attachment Theory focused on the parent-child bond. However, decades of research have shown attachment is vital to other intimate relationships and is relevant to all of us throughout the lifespan. Emotionally Focused Therapy uses our innate drive to connect with others to improve our relationships with the most important people in our lives. There are three situations in which EFT is contraindicated. When there is an ongoing affair, ongoing addiction, or emotional and/or physical abuse, treatment should not be based on Emotionally Focused Therapy. Please keep this in mind as you read the rest of this article, as it does not apply to these situations.
Isn’t EFT Just Talking About Feelings?
Emotions are an important part of Emotionally Focused Therapy; however, EFT is not just talking about feelings. EFT helps people identify how a negative interactional cycle is interfering with a sense of connection in a relationship. Basically, it describes how we can get into ruts in our relationships in which we are having the same argument over and over about different topics. So, an argument that is seemingly about the dishes is actually about the deeper needs of those having the argument. An EFT therapist turns the focus of a conflict to the process rather than the content of an argument. Emotionally Focused Therapy is based on research that shows our emotions are important sources of information about our needs. Identifying and organizing emotions (both the superficial primary emotions as well as the deeper secondary emotions) is only the first step. A therapist using EFT will help clients get under their emotions to understand the attachment needs an emotion is conveying. That’s when the real work begins. The therapist helps the clients map their negative interactional cycle and understand how their cycle is co-created and co-maintained (which is good news because that means it can be changed). By realizing the cycle is the problem (rather than a loved one), we can get to work on changing the cycle. A negative cycle changes when loved ones understand what’s happening underneath it all and begin to speak about their own and their loved one’s needs then respond to each other’s needs. At first, it feels awkward and rehearsed. With time, it becomes a new way of communicating and increases connection.
Why Understanding Attachment Needs Helps Us Connect
Another thing I love about EFT is that it assumes there is a good reason behind our actions. That doesn’t mean our actions are always good choices or effective in getting us what we want and need. EFT therapists aim to understand each client’s perspective and emotions on a deep level, so much so that the emotions are not only described by their clients but emotions are brought “into the room.” When an emotion is present in session, an EFT therapist’s goal is to understand and empathize with the emotion at its deepest level. I’ve learned that each person’s behavior makes perfect sense when I see (and feel) things from their perspective. The vast majority of the time, a person’s intentions are good even when a behavior is not nice or increases disconnection. When I understand someone’s attachment needs, their behavior in a negative interactional cycle makes sense. When loved ones understand each other’s needs, they begin to communicate about what really matters (which is about so much more than who does the dishes). They feel more connected and can handle conflict differently.
Attachment Styles - We’re Not Doomed
If you google “attachment styles,” lots of articles describe attachment as a universal way that we approach relationships based on what we learned as children. Of course our way of relating to others was influenced by our childhoods. However, research shows that we often have different attachment styles with different people. It’s not uncommon for people to have a difficult time feeling secure in their attachment to their spouse but feel deeply secure and connected to their children. Similarly, we can have a close, trusting relationship with a friend but attachment with a family member is riddled with anxiety. Just because we have an unhealthy attachment style in one relationship doesn’t mean we are doomed to have that attachment style in all our relationships. Our attachment style(s) not only change by relationship, they can be changed within a relationship as well. Emotionally Focused Therapy can be really helpful in changing how we attach to others. Attachment is literally the foundation of EFT.
Therapy is Hard Work - and Worth It
I mentioned that negative cycles are co-created and co-maintained. The good news is our cycles can change, which makes us feel more connected and have healthier attachments to the people we love. The changes we make using EFT can be applied across situations since we address the process of conflict and communication (not just the content of arguments). But, change is not easy. The clients who make progress in therapy work hard for change. Therapy sessions are not filled with fluff or focused on superficial conversation. Deep change requires deep work. It’s common for things to feel worse before they feel better, especially during the phase when we’re uncovering what’s under strong emotions. It’s so much more than sharing how you feel. Luckily, hard work by everyone attending therapy can create lasting change and impact what matters most - our relationships.
I have the best job in the world and love coming to work. I’m inspired every session by how hard people work at feeling more connected to one another, and I’m truly honored to witness growing connections. Therapists using EFT work hard too. Bringing emotion into the room and empathizing with two (or more) people is hard work. It’s not uncommon that I shed tears with clients because I feel their pain or witness a beautiful connection. In session and out of session, a good EFT therapist is always growing and learning. Constant learning is work, but it’s also one the many things I love about being a therapist. Most of the time, the effort is worth it - for clients and for therapists. Emotionally Focused Therapy is so much more than talking about feelings. It can be a powerful tool for growth and change.
