The Art of Compromise | Guest Blog by Lyla Urban
Lyla Urban is a young person who is passionate about psychology and helping others. As part of a summer internship, Lyla writes a guest blog series.
Lyla sifts through research by psychologists who study relationships, then she presents information in approachable posts that all of us can use.
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Picture this: a new steak restaurant just opened up in town. It’s romantic, has great reviews, and is the - in your mind - perfect location for your upcoming date night. The only problem however… is your partner is vegetarian. What to do? Although the location of a date night may not seem like the root of conflict - rather, it is the risk of jeopardizing your deeply held values and beliefs. Learning how to compromise with your partner is one of the most important aspects to healthy boundaries and clear communication. The Gottmans, married psychologists who have spent decades studying relationship conflict, have found a concise solution - what they call The Art of Compromise.
Yield to Win
Compromising is not a black and white situation. Compromising is an agreement where each person gives up something to reach a middle ground. Mutuality in compromise ensures that the solution accommodates both parties. While reaching compromise, it is especially important to remember your partner is not the enemy - treat the person you are compromising with, no matter who it is, as if they are someone you love.
Core Needs
Every single person has values that they believe in. This can include behavioral values (ex. loyalty), interpersonal values (ex. generosity), social values (ex. social justice), and cultural values (ex. the importance of family). Sometimes the reason for someone being vegetarian is non-negotiable, whether it be for personal, social, or religious values. The most rooted of our values, ones we keep near and dear to our heart, are known as our core needs. These values, many times, are inflexible.
Areas of Flexibility
Similarly to core needs, every single person has values and opinions that they are willing to bend. Perhaps being vegetarian may not limit the restaurant to vegetarian-strict restaurants - as long as there are vegetarian items on the menu. It is equally important to communicate their core needs as it is for them to discover and communicate their areas of flexibility. Try asking some of the following questions to reach a compromise that honors both of your needs:
What do we agree about?
What are our common goals?
How might these goals be accomplished?
How can we reach a temporary compromise?
What feelings do we have in common?
How can we help meet your core needs?
Compromise
So perhaps after discussing this possible date night with your partner, you both communicate your core values. Your partner has good reasons they are not willing to eat meat. You grew up in a household where shared dinners over favorite foods (perhaps steak was particularly special) held the most important memories of the people you love . . . a tradition that has stuck with you to adulthood and you want to continue to honor.
One thing you both communicate for certain is the shared want for a date night - to have fun, to talk, and to enjoy each other's presence to the fullest, something you both have been looking forward to doing. After checking the menu online, you both discover multiple vegetarian plates at the steak place. You both communicate your areas of flexibility. Your partner does not need to eat at an all vegetarian restaurant, and you don’t need your partner to eat steak to carry on the traditions from your family. Together, you decide to go to this steak restaurant. Your partner orders a vegetarian dish, you savor a filet mignon, and you connect through conversation. You both agree that the next dinner date place will be decided by your partner. Your dreams and needs are honored through compromising with your partner clearly and communicatively - and you both get to enjoy a lovely dinner together!
