What Scorekeeping Says About Your Relationship
When my partner and I get stressed, we start keeping score. It’s not intentional, and most of the time we don’t even realize it’s happening at first. As I stand over the sink, I think, “I’ve done the dishes every night this week!” My partner sighs and tells me he just folded all the laundry. The score adds up until one of us inevitably says some variation of “I’m doing everything over here.” The response is usually “I’m doing everything over here!” That’s our cue - the scoreboard is back. My husband and I know what scorekeeping means in our relationship, so we know how to deal with it now (after so many years together). Scorekeeping can mean different things in your relationship, but it’s always a warning sign you are not acting like a team. Here are three common meanings behind a scoreboard.
Temporary Stress in a (Mostly) Equal Relationship
An equal relationship is not 50/50 all the time, but over time it evens out. Sometimes it’s 60/40 and other times it’s 10/90. An equitable relationship doesn’t mean partners cook dinner an equal number of times or contribute the same amount to the bank account. More like, each partner carries more of the responsibility in some domains (you do a lot of the cooking, I do the dishes more often) and during some seasons (while I’m sick, you do way more of everything; when work is crazy for you, I take care of the kids more). Even though the relationship may never be equal at any given time, the overall effect is fair. When one person is stressed, the other picks up the slack. There is an ebb and flow to the workload. In an equitable relationship, partners aren’t keeping score most of the time because they don’t need to.
When partners in an equitable relationship start keeping score, the score can get racked up pretty quickly. It can be surprising when the scoreboard looms invisibly over each task. Here’s what it means in this situation- Both partners are tapped out at the same time. You turn to each other to get help because you are stressed and overwhelmed. Instead of help, what you get back is another cry for help. Both of you are literally both “doing everything over here” and unable to pick up the slack for the other person. That’s when the arguing starts- about who is changing the diapers or taking out the trash. But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about this. Neither partner has the resources to do their share, much less take on their partner’s share. Because you are used to relying on each other when things get tough, it can be surprising when you don’t get the support you need.
When both partners feel stressed at the same time, the only place to get real help is outside the relationship. “Outside help” looks different for each relationship and in different circumstances. It could be more takeout dinners for a week, having the kids spend a weekend with grandparents, or venting to a friend rather than your partner. It can be hiring a house cleaner or having groceries delivered (by a service or a friend). Outside help provides support for both partners while you cope with a temporary situation. You finish that project. Your partner recovers from the flu. The kids are taken care of and the chores are done. Everyone is fed. If the relationship is equitable and the stress is temporary, the scoreboard fades with time and outside support. The relationship is balanced again, and no one feels the need to say they are “doing everything over here.” If this scorekeeping pattern sounds like your relationship, it is important to talk with your partner about the scoreboard when you are not stressed. Then, when you both start keeping score, you’ll recognize it as a sign that you need outside help. You’ll realize it is temporary, and you can get through it together.
A (Mostly) Equal Relationship, But the Stress Doesn’t Pass
Sometimes, even in an equitable relationship, the scoreboard doesn’t fade. The stress is unrelenting, and there seems to be no end in sight. Both partners are tapped out, even after getting some outside help. Those takeout dinners are becoming expensive. The grandparents have taken the kids for one too many weekends. Everyone is exhausted. One reason for an ever-present scoreboard is that the stressor may be too big or last too long. Things like grief, constant conflict, extended family drama, or children with big challenges are examples of stressors that don’t just pass with time. As a couple in a usually equal relationship, it’s easy to turn against each other when you get tired.
For big stressors, it’s about targeting the stressor that’s not passing on its own. Therapy can help. A therapist can help people cope with the stressors that don’t go away on their own. That’s literally what we do. Therapy isn’t only for people who have a mental illness. Some therapists (like me) specialize in helping people with relationships and personal growth. Therapy can help couples get support during a difficult time in life, learn to handle conflict better (even those re-occurring conflicts about the same thing), cope with difficulties with extended family members, or handle the stress of parenting. When you target the thing that is constantly stressing you, the scoreboard starts to fade. Even if the situation doesn’t change, you have support to deal with it better - together. Therapy isn’t the only way though. Self-help is can be a great way to cope with some stressors. Talk to other people who have coped with losing a loved one, listen to a podcast about conflict resolution together, or read books about parenting (choose wisely though- some parenting books create more unnecessary stress, not less). If a scoreboard is a permanent fixture in your otherwise equal relationship, it’s time to address the thing that is stressing you (and I’m not talking about the dishes).
When Scoreboard Reflects the Relationship, Not the Stressor
Another reason for a permanent scoreboard is the relationship does not have an equal division of labor. One partner feels they are almost always “doing everything over here” while the other is more “laidback” about things. This is what therapists sometimes call an overfunctioning-underfunctioning relationship. It means the scoreboard is invisible for the underfunctioning partner. The underfunctioning partner hears constant nagging and complaining. They see many of their partner’s actions as unnecessary and are so tired of being treated like a child. For the overfunctioning partner, the scoreboard looms large as they continually rack up points against a team that isn’t participating. Both partners are tired of their roles, but the pattern continues.
While I’d like to say this kind of relationship can change using self-help resources, it’s super difficult fix on your own. Here’s what happens. The overfunctioning partner looks up resources, makes plans, and takes the lead. They tell their partner what needs to be done and how things can get better. Unless the underfunctioning partner is very motivated and taking the lead (which totally goes against their role), they feel further nagged and criticized. The troublesome dynamic is reinforced, and often things just get worse.
The good news is that therapists see this relationship pattern all the time. The goal of therapy is for each partner to gain insight about their role and for both partners to make conscious changes to the pattern. This almost always involves “homework” (things the couple will do between therapy sessions to change the pattern). Couples therapy requires a significant investment of time, emotion, and financial resources. It’s not easy. But, if you make the investment and commit to change, the payoff can be huge and long-lasting. A happier, more equitable relationship can be the result. And there’s a bonus! Because overfunctioners and underfunctioners tend to take on similar roles in other relationships (like with family, friends, and co-workers), each person’s approach to other relationships has the potential to change too.
What Your Scoreboard Means
So, if your relationship has a scoreboard, don’t keep looking at the score- find out what it means. The three patterns above are really common. If you are in an equitable relationship where both partners keep score occasionally, a scoreboard is a sign that both of you are temporarily stressed and can’t pick up the slack for each other. Recruit outside help to take care of the tasks, the kids, and the emotional toll until the stress passes and you stop keeping score.
If a scoreboard is a permanent fixture for both of you in what used to be an equal relationship, look at the underlying cause of the stress in your life (the bigger stressors, not that pile of laundry). Address the bigger stressor by recruiting outside help (books recommended for that issue, podcasts, people who know about your stress, or therapy).
If the scoreboard is invisible to one partner but a permanent issue for the other partner, you may have a relationship pattern that is super common in couples therapy but really difficult to change on your own.
These are three common patterns that can interpret the meaning of a scoreboard in a relationship, but every relationship is different. Regardless of the meaning of your scoreboard, it is so important to talk about scorekeeping with your partner. You are the experts on your relationship. Acknowledging that there is scorekeeping in your relationship can be a great start to a bigger conversation. Try to avoid discussing how your partner hasn’t been to the grocery store in six months. Talk about the process of scorekeeping instead, and how the scoreboard impacts your relationship. Be empathetic and open to your partners perspective and express your perspective without criticism and blaming. Find the meaning behind your scorekeeping so you and your partner can get back on the same team. If you agree you want some outside help, make a plan together based on what you need - whether that be therapy or pizza for dinner (or both).
