Awesome Kids Are Raised By Imperfect Parents
Raising good humans is the hardest job I’ve ever had. My career has included some admittedly difficult roles- like determining who should be put on isolated suicide watch in a locked facility, doing therapy with people experiencing hallucinations, and hearing recounts of unimaginable trauma in kids. Even on the most difficult days, I love being a therapist. I also absolutely love being a parent. Still, parenting is the most difficult role I’ve ever had. As the parent tribe out there knows, it goes without saying that being a parent is totally worth it. The love for our kids trumps all bad days. But, it is not easy.
Parenting for a day or a week isn’t hard. The things that make up the daily tasks are actually pretty easy if taken one-by-one. When I was a teenage baby-sitter, it didn’t seem so tough. Change a diaper. Drop off a kid at soccer practice. Give them a snack. Tell them to brush their teeth. Schedule the annual check-up. But, as a parent, it’s the never-endingness of all these tasks combined with the lofty goal of raising well-adjusted adults. Most parents want to raise humans who (to the best of their abilities) make good decisions, are healthy, know how to manage their emotions, feel secure, are self-sufficient, have good relationships, work hard, play hard, are kind, can advocate for themselves, and are relatively happy. When you combine the goal of raising awesome humans with the tasks of keeping them alive, it’s a lot!
The field of psychology knows that parenting is immensely important. That’s why psychologists have studied parenting so extensively! My favorite of the conclusions drawn from all this research? Kids don’t need perfect parents. (Whew!) Children need parents who are “good enough” - which makes me breathe a sigh of relief as I recall my most recent parenting fail. It keeps me going when I make mistakes or am overwhelmed by the enormity of raising my little humans. Because parenting has been studied (and continues to be studied) so much in the field of psychology, therapists know a lot about what helps kids develop into well-functioning adults. Of course, actions don’t always follow knowledge. (Just look at my ice cream habit- it’s not a lack of knowledge that motivates me to reach for that Ben and Jerry’s goodness.) But knowledge is a good first step.
Surprisingly, many of the things our fellow parents judge us for do not actually determine whether kids will grow up to be great adults. Whether you co-sleep or sleep train, strictly limit device time or binge watch Netflix with your kids, breast or bottle feed… the judgement can be intense! But, these are not actually as important as your relationship with your kids.
Psychology has found which parenting styles contribute to strong parent-child relationships and what parents can do to maintain trusting relationships throughout the lifespan. This is based on decades of research. Of course, how this research is applied looks different in different families. You are the expert on your family and your kids. One of the important things to remember is that making mistakes is inevitable (no matter what your Instagram feed might look like). It’s what we do after we make a mistake that matters. Our kids are learning all the time from what we do. How we handle a mistake with our kids can even strengthen our relationships with them. Managing conflict and communicating about our mistakes teach our children about how to have healthy relationships and what to do when they make a mistake. It’s important to talk with our little humans at a level they can understand, which will look totally different with a toddler or a teen. Imperfection is what helps us raise these kids into awesome adults. Luckily (or not?), we get the opportunity to model handling our imperfections over and over again.
If you want to level up your parenting or improve a relationship with your child(ren), therapy is an awesome place to learn from all those years of research by the field of psychology. Perhaps even more importantly, therapy is a place you can tailor that knowledge to fit your family, your way. For all the high-achieving parents out there, remind yourself that no amount of therapy or effort will result in perfection. But, we can make little changes to strengthen our relationships with our kids. When you are in therapy as a parent, expect to find empathy rather than judgement. Parenting is a life-long journey, and for those who strive to do it well- you have my respect.
So, the next time you make a mistake or feel judged by the mom squad (or find yourself judging another parent), remind yourself that we are all imperfect. Also, remember- when parents focus on healthy relationships with kids, most of the time our best is “good enough” to raise awesome humans.
