Comparative Suffering: What It Is & Why It Hurts
What Is Comparative Suffering?
Comparative suffering is viewing a person’s struggles in comparison to the struggles of other people. A classic example is a child who does not want to eat their peas being told, “Eat your food. There are kids starving in Africa!” The message is the child’s feelings are not valid because there are children who have things much worse. It may seem helpful to point out how “good” a person has things when they are experiencing a difficult emotion, but it is more harmful than helpful. Here’s why.
Why Comparative Suffering Hurts
The reason comparative suffering hurts is because it invalidates the feelings of the person who is experiencing a difficult emotion. Comparative suffering commonly elicits feelings of guilt in the person who was already feeling badly. On top of experiencing the first difficult emotion, they also feel guilty for having that emotion in the first place. Using the logic of comparative suffering, we are never allowed to feel anything other than happiness and gratitude- because there is always someone suffering more than we are. But, no one is happy and grateful all the time. It is healthy for humans to have a range of emotions and to experience different intensities of emotions. For example, it is normal and healthy for a child to feel mildly disgusted by peas or to resist a parent for making them eat something they don’t like.
Another classic example of comparative suffering is when well-meaning loved ones trying to help someone who is experiencing profound grief after losing a loved one. After losing a parent, an adult may hear, “At least they lived a long life. My friend lost her parent when she was a child.” It doesn’t make the grieving person feel better. Comparing their suffering sends the message that they should feel grateful for what they had instead of feeling sad for who they lost. It also tells the grieving person their sadness should not be as intense as it is. Comparative suffering sends the message that there is something wrong with experiencing any difficult emotions, which are a natural and healthy part of life.
A range of emotions is normal and healthy. From mild disgust to profound grief, the best way to handle difficult emotions is to move through them. Pushing difficult emotions away causes other problems. Comparative suffering does not allow a person to move through their difficult emotion because they are sent a clear message that their emotion is unacceptable. The child who doesn’t want to eat their peas may react behaviorally in a variety of ways when presented with comparative suffering. For example, the child may throw a tantrum as a reaction to feeling confused about their emotions. Or the child may feel guilty about their dislike for peas (because comparative suffering tells them to be grateful they even have a meal on their plate). They eat their peas out of guilt. That solves the nutritional problem but does not help the child learn healthy emotion regulation. It teaches the child their feelings are not valid. Their disgust is replaced with confusion or guilt, and they don’t learn to handle the disgust. Many well-meaning parents have used this strategy to get their children to consume something nutritious, which doesn’t mean all these children will be emotionally unhealthy. However, if the primary response to a child’s every emotion is comparative suffering, their emotional health may be impacted.
Comparative suffering happens within people as well as between people. We tell ourselves that we should just be grateful for what we have instead of feeling anything negative. Here’s an example: During a hectic morning, a mother juggles getting herself and her kids ready. She is carrying the mental load of all the things that need to be tracked. Her to do list goes through her mind: “make an appointment for the eye doctor for the child who can’t see the board at school, remember to get milk when I pick up the prescription at the grocery store, start planning the birthday party for another child, call the plumber to look at that leak, pay the electric bill, call grandma to check on the results of her doctor appointment…” While the list runs through her mind, she gets dressed, ties a little one’s shoe, and patiently teaches another child who is learning to tie her own shoes. After dropping off the children, she feels overwhelmed - and it’s not even 8:30 am! She thinks, “There are people who don’t have health insurance, people can’t afford milk much less a birthday party, people who have no electricity, and others who have to carry their drinking water from a river!” She feels guilty for feeling overwhelmed and stressed, telling herself she should just be grateful. She is stressed about being stressed. And the people who are struggling to meet their basic needs are no better off.
If comparative suffering is the predominant response to a person’s emotions, they learn that their emotions are not valid - to a specific person, to themselves, or to the world in general. The grieving adult is not as likely to share their grief with a friend who invalidates their suffering through comparisons. A child may learn to hide their true emotions or replace difficult feelings with more “acceptable” emotions, like happiness, gratitude, or guilt. But those emotions don’t go away. If enough difficult emotions are pushed down, they seep out in other ways - such as rage or irritability, low self-esteem, relationship problems, and mental health challenges. Or just profound guilt for being a normal human juggling the tasks of living.
What’s the Solution to Comparative Suffering
The solution to comparative suffering in all cases is empathy. Empathy is understanding the feelings of a person from a cognitive and emotional perspective. Empathy is not pity. It is not sympathy. Empathy allows the person experiencing a difficult emotion to feel their emotion with another person. Empathy tells us our emotions are valid and helps us feel less alone. Empathy tells us what we are experiencing is normal, and we can move through it. Empathy for the child at the dinner table may sound like, “It’s difficult when you don’t like the taste of the foods that give your body the nutrients it needs to grow.” The person who is grieving the death of a parent may hear, “I’m here for you.” Empathy toward one’s self is just as important as empathy toward others. The mother juggling it all may think, “I can’t believe all I accomplished before 8:30 am! No wonder I’m feeling overwhelmed.” Empathy tells us our feelings are normal and acceptable, which allows us to move through them.
Comparative Suffering Is Not Gratitude
It’s important to know the difference between gratitude and comparative suffering. Gratitude is feeling thankful or appreciative. Gratitude has a whole host of mental health benefits, and it can improve our outlook on life. It affirms the good things in the world. When we acknowledge and appreciate the goodness in our lives, we feel better. Gratitude is a positive emotion, and there is a place for it in our lives. Comparative suffering does not develop gratitude. Comparative suffering tells a person their negative emotions needs to replaced with a positive one. When comparative suffering is a response to a difficult emotions, the message is sent that no negative emotions are okay because there are others suffering more than we are. Difficult emotions are invalidated with comparative suffering by communicating that gratitude is a more acceptable emotion than feeling overwhelmed, disgusted, sad, or angry. It’s normal to feel negative emotions, even if you are grateful for the people and circumstances of your life. Gratitude is not feeling guilt for having a difficult emotion. To the child at dinner, gratitude sounds like, “I’m so grateful you shared how your day at school was. I like that we have this time together.” The grieving person may hear, “I’m grateful and honored you share your feelings with me. Our friendship has helped me through some really hard times, and I want you to know how much I care.” The mom juggling it all may say to herself, “I’m glad I have this car ride alone to cope with feeling overwhelmed. I can’t imagine running into my morning meeting feeling this way.” It’s super easy to confuse gratitude and comparative suffering. The main difference is the impact on one’s emotions. Comparative suffering tells us what we “should” be grateful for and tries to change a difficult emotion into a positive one. Most of the time, gratitude is about our feelings rather than telling another person how to feel. Gratitude shares what we are grateful for without devaluing or invalidating anyone’s emotions.
None of Us Is Perfect
Don’t mistake the words on this screen as a sign that I don’t use comparative suffering. None of us is perfect, and comparative suffering is so pervasive in our culture that it’s almost impossible to avoid. If you find yourself using comparative suffering with yourself or a loved one, use empathy. Empathy for yourself and others can help us cope with comparative suffering in our lives. Be gentle with yourself and those who may respond to your emotions with comparative suffering. Allow yourself and those around you to feel difficult emotions because moving through our feelings is the healthiest way to cope with emotions.
